On Insecurities

You're probably overthinking, but you've thought of that, haven't you?

You think more about your biggest insecurity than anyone else does.

It’s one of those things we intellectually probably know is true but is hard to internalize. I’m not the first person to say this, it’s not the first time you’ve heard it. I actually remember the first time I realized it in a small way, even though knowing it did little to help at the time. I was in high school and it was peak hormonal insanity and the buzzy thoughts were at their buzziest, and I remember walking down a crowded hallway thinking two things in rapid succession: everyone is staring at me, and no one notices me or cares at all. Neither particularly comforting thoughts, but the contradiction of them shook something loose in me. It was about then that I realized perhaps the little voices in my head weren’t as reliable as I’d been treating them. They couldn’t even agree with each other, so chances are at least one of them was lying. As I said, it’s harder to internalize it than just realizing it, but it helps me when I’m most self-conscious. It’s especially helpful when I’m feeling self-conscious about my physical self (whether it’s my size or my hair or my clothes) in a crowded room or walking down the street. It helps to remember that 90% of the people who pass by barely even notice you at all because they’re thinking about their own insecurities or business or whatever else occupies their minds. Especially nowadays when people are most likely also listening to music or a podcast or on the phone when they walk by. Their eyes are mostly being used for autopilot at that point, and you’re just an obstacle to avoid, if we’re even that lucky.

Of course, I’m not naive enough to say nobody notices that thing you’re most insecure about. Often we’re insecure about something BECAUSE someone else noticed it and pointed it out. I’m not trying to “I don’t see color” physical differences. But what I AM saying is that I would almost guarantee more people feel neutral-to-positive about it than feel even half as negatively about it as you do.

I’m thinking of this currently because of the actress Daniela Ruah. I have been watching NCIS: Los Angeles (I’ve started something I can’t stop, don’t judge me) via DVDs from the library. (Something I forgot you could even do until I realized NCIS: LA was the only NCIS not streaming on Paramount+ and, as I mentioned, there’s no getting off this train.) When I hit play on one of the episodes, it asked if I wanted to watch the episode with commentary by Daniela Ruah, who plays Special Agent Kensi Blye, and the man who plays her partner* on the show, Eric Christian Olsen.

*I’m only on season two, so he’s only her NCIS partner right now, but I feel fairly confident from reruns I’ve watched with my dad they do get together on the show eventually, and FUN FACT, she’s actually married to David Olsen, who is Eric’s older brother and ALSO his stunt double on NCIS. I thought that was fun. ANYWAY.

Since NCIS isn’t exactly Severance in its levels of complexity, I had a feeling I could follow along to the episode just fine with the actors’ commentary over it, and I like those two characters, so I figured why the hell not. I haven’t watched a DVD in a long time and I was delighted by this feature option. It also feels important to note that this was for the seventh episode of season two, and Kensi Blye had been part of the main crew for all 31 episodes so far.

While talking about a scene shot in the room where they’re usually looking at suspects and maps on a big, digital screen, Eric mentioned how they usually have to light that room blue and it makes all the blue-eyed actors on the show’s eyes pop like crazy. Daniela then said they often have to light her special because of her “black eye.” At first I thought she meant she was injured that day on set but then she kept talking about her “dark eye” and Eric said people might not know it’s a birthmark and the next time she pointed it out, sure enough, it’s no bruise. While one of Daniela’s eyes is a light, bright brown, the other is so dark it’s almost black, and there is a bit of a shadow in the sclera. It’s called a nevus of Ota, I’ve come to learn. She points it out a few more times throughout the episode in a way that wasn’t exactly negative but made it seem like maybe she was still a little self-conscious about it. And I had been staring at this woman for 31 episodes and simply had not noticed it at all. Granted, I’m watching on a small-ish screen and not particularly close to it, and I often am doing a secondary activity while watching my procedurals, but still. And now that I have noticed it? I think it’s stunning. I love when the camera films her straight on and the difference in her two eye colors is striking. I thought she was beautiful before I noticed it, I think she’s even more so now that I have.

Now, that’s not to say she’s not very confident in her eye now, over 15 years since she recorded that commentary; and in fact, I hope she is. But it is something that struck me. Because I’m sure growing up there were kids who were mean about it, or as an actress, fans who have said weird shit. So I’m sure there were points in her life where she thought about it a lot. But I’d be willing to bet the majority of people who noticed it did just that: notice it. Maybe wondered about it. But it didn’t negatively factor into any opinions they had about her.

Of course, this is a mild example. It’s a small difference on a conventionally attractive woman. It’s not even that uncommon of a difference; maybe nevus of Ota specifically is less common, but plenty of people have heterochromia. I’m not suggesting she would or should be insecure about it. I’m not Ryan Murphy/Manny Coto, who wrote an episode of American Horror Stories in which Bella Thorne had a port wine stain birthmark on her neck that, despite the fact that she easily covered it with makeup every day, made her so insecure she became a serial killer. In fact, my tweet after seeing that episode read, “Imagine being in Hollywood so long that you think a relatively small port wine stain that is naturally mostly hidden by hair and is on an otherwise conventionally attractive face is enough to drive a girl into being a serial killer? Please go visit other cities I beg of you.”

I only used Daniela as an example because I felt I could hear a hint of insecurity in her voice when she talked about it, and I thought she had nothing to be insecure about. It was a recent example, and the inspiration for this conversation, which is the only reason I chose it. There are other people I’ve seen, either actors or real people I know, with things that probably technically fall outside Hollywood’s insane standard of beauty that I find beautiful. Be it birthmarks or crooked teeth or scars or other differences, more often than not I find it makes the person more interesting to look at, and in my mind that always amounts to a positive thing. Like I said, I’m not going to pretend I don’t notice these things. (Though I did famously not realize my cousin, who is older than me, was born without a hand until I was like 3 or 4, despite seeing him very regularly my entire life.) But it’s usually not long until it just becomes part of them to me, in either a neutral or positive way.

I say this especially because these days, we’re all online too much, and the people who are most likely to make comments on videos or photos are the loudest and wrongest among us. They’re the ragebaiters and the hypocrites and the people who want to say the meanest thing to get the biggest reaction. So it might seem more and more like our insecurities are on display, that it’s all anyone else can see, that it’s defining us. But that’s just not true.

There was a trend going on a while back (at least on my TikTok FYP) where people would post a slideshow of photos of them saying, “I bet you can guess my biggest insecurity.” Which yes is baiting, whether it’s fishing for compliments or sympathy or something else I’m not sure. (I didn’t love this trend and it didn’t last long.) But I could almost never figure it out. They’d say what it was in the comments and I’d have to go back to the photos to see if I could even tell. Or I’d say “well I hope it’s not x” and then it was. More often than not I noticed fashion trends (like a cringe school photo outfit the likes of which we all have) or whether or not they were smiling more than anything. I saw a video recently of a woman who got her ears pinned so I went to look at old videos of her and I personally liked the way they stuck out a little further than most. (No judgement though; if you can afford it and it brings you peace of mind, get that surgery babes. Wear makeup that covers a birthmark, get that tattoo to hide a scar, whatever makes you feel more confident. But make sure you’re doing it for YOU not to make other people comfortable or quiet.)

I guess all I’m trying to say is, there will always be assholes, both in the world and in your head, but try your best not to listen to them. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind and all that. And I know I’m a hypocrite! My own shitty self-esteem quite literally keeps me up at night. But do as I say, not as I do. And know this: Cheesy as it seems, I think society’s version of “perfect” is boring (and made up) and that you’re great BECAUSE of your differences, not despite them.

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