Plant-Based Life
On which I review meat substitute for funsies.
When I was in seventh grade, my friend from community theater did a report on the meat industry and how horrible it is not only for the animals, but also for the humans, because of all the hormones they pump into it, plus how bad it was for the environment. She was a few years older than me, so it might have been a high school report, but it was very detailed and very convincing. And Sesame Street had already primed me to be eco-conscious, always shutting off the water while I brushed my teeth and pitching a fit if I saw uncut soda can rings in the trash. She had decided to become a vegetarian, and I decided I was going to be one as well. I marched home and declared this to my parents, who essentially said, "You're 12, you barely get to decide what you eat." I stood my ground, though, so my mother and I eventually came to a compromise so that I "wouldn't die" (this was a smart way to convince my little hypochondriac self to buy in) - the rules were, I could give up red meat and pork (or "pigs and cows" as I would sometimes explain to people), but I had to still eat poultry and fish. Also, if my mother was making meatloaf or Hamburger Helper or steak tips for dinner, I was on my own and had to make my own food. This mostly consisted of frozen Morningstar chik'n patties, because even though I did still eat chicken, this was one of the only vegan options available in the late 90s/early 2000s at my local supermarket, and that was also 12-year-old friendly.
I went on this way, as a half-a-tarian, for decades, and it wasn't until I was literally 31 years old that I realized during a conversation recounting this exact story that I no longer had to uphold the deal I made with my mother when I was 12. So, after almost 20 full years of being half a vegetarian, I decided to go all in. Well, mostly in. I avoid anything with beef or pork ingredients because I'm pretty sure my body would treat those like a foreign body at this point, but I will occasionally (very rarely) still eat poultry or fish in specific situations, like if someone is about to throw out their leftovers and I'd rather eat chicken than waste food, or if I'm traveling and either a) there's nothing else on the menu except salad and I need protein because we've been walking miles at cons all weekend, or b) I'm in New Orleans and I'm not NOT going to eat the seafood at least once. I think technically this would be considered a flexitarian, but since I eat vegetarian 98% of the time, I just go with vegetarian as a label and if someone wants to fight me on it, let's go. (Also, I believe I offset these occasionally forays into poultry and fish eating since I make some vegan choices when possible; I can't give up cheese entirely, but I only use oat milk when cooking at home or in beverages on the go, I never buy eggs because they go bad too quickly for a person who doesn't eat breakfast, and I use plant-based butter. I know I don't have to justify my choices to you but here we are. I'm also not one of those vegetarians who cares what you do with your food. I'm not going to preach my way of life to anyone, and even though I do find it very endearing when people ask, you can eat burgers in front of me if you want to. I also get hives when people try to pick a restaurant based on the menu specifically thinking about me and I try to ensure everyone I can eat salads or sides literally anywhere but my friends are too nice and it stresses me out. But I promise I'm not judging you or thinking about it much, it's just the way I eat, and it's how it's been for a long time.)
All this to say is I've been in the market for plant-based meat for a very, very long time. I love to try new plant-based meat substitutes, especially replacements for things I never really got to enjoy or haven't had since I was a literal child. And I will give you this caveat: I don't remember what a lot of the things I did eat tasted like. So when I say a burger tastes like I remember a burger tasting like, remember that I have like 25 years between me and my last real burger. (I ate a lot of cheese and condiment sandwiches at barbeques as a teen.) Also, just to complicate my life, I am allergic to soy and nuts (aka the things a lot of vegetarian meals love to add in) and I cannot withstand the texture of veggie burgers. I can SOMETIMES do a black bean burger if done correctly, but it's not my favorite.
And so, I thought this week I would review some of the plant-based meat replacements I've tried over the past few years, to varying degrees of success. .
Beyond is one of the most heavily branded plant-based substitute companies, and it's available in a lot of restaurants in NYC (and even some in Massachusetts.) This is the brand I was talking about when I said it tastes like I remember burgers tasting. If I'm honest, even before I gave up red meat, I didn't order a lot of burgers in restaurants. I was a chicken girlie. (I still vividly remember being like nine and ordering a burger and biting into it and it was so rare it was practically bleeding. I was scarred for life.) Beyond is so realistic that sometimes I worry that the restaurant lied about it, but I haven't died yet so probably it's fine. I sometimes joke that I think Beyond meat is not beef, but actually people, but as long as we're eating the rich, that's fine by me.
I've tried some of their at-home stuff, like their ground beef and sausages that come in that supermarket styrofoam and plastic meat containers, but honestly it also mimics real meat a little TOO well and it squicks me out. I don't like cooking with it much, mostly because I never really learned to cook with meat. I helped my mother make meatloaf as a kid but that's about it. I don't have a meat thermometer or even an internal barometer for knowing when meat is "done." I have had the ground beef with Hamburger Helper for a dash of nostalgia, but honestly it's too complicated and expensive to deal with at home.
I will forever be a stan of the Impossible brand, because they are the reason I can actually eat fast food once in a while. This especially comes in handy on a road trip when the only food on the route is fast food, and instead of having to subsist on fries alone (or worse, attempt to choke down a sorry excuse for a salad), I can have an Impossible Whopper from Burger King. They are sometimes also in other restaurants, but around here I encounter Beyond more than Impossible.
BUT ALSO! Their frozen fake chicken nuggets are good, too. I recently got animal-shaped ones because the irony made me giggle. They are the closest to real frozen chicken nuggets in taste and texture that I've encountered. I would have to test a meat-eater because, again, it's been a while, but I think it's pretty close! That said, they're also a bit expensive, so they're a rare treat. Especially since there are other brands that do almost as good a job.
MorningStar is very nostalgic to me. I used to eat two of their "chik'n" patties with a little mayo spread on top for dinner all the time. The taste and texture isn't quite chicken, it's just...MorningStar chik'n. They even have a spicy buffalo version. The patties are thin and if you microwave them too long they get a little puck-like, but they helped me survive through high school. I don't get them anymore, but I know if I did it would take me back.
I've tried other food from them too. Their bacon is a joke, but then again I a) don't really remember what good bacon is supposed to taste like, b) I've never met fake bacon that wasn't downright abhorrent. Even if the flavor is "bacon" (or at least, what bacon smells like), the texture is often borderline criminal, and MorningStar bacon is no exception. The only thing worse is tempeh bacon, which is not only so far from bacon in flavor it's almost embarrassing it shares a name, but the texture is a war crime.
I will say, I do still enjoy MorningStar breakfast sausage. I don't eat breakfast at home, but when I'm visiting my parents, they usually have a drawer full of fake meat for me, and sometimes my dad gets me these so he can make me breakfast on the weekends, and they're pretty delicious. I remember breakfast sausage being the pork-based product I missed the most when I first went half-a-tarian, and both the patties and links are a good substitute.
Daring is a new brand I found recently, because I was looking for something akin to grilled chicken I could put in my lunch salads for a bit of protein. They're these like little pieces of "chicken" that you can just cook up on the stovetop in some oil. I don't really know if they're good, if I'm being honest. They're a bit of a strange texture, but the "plain" version that I got did its job and mostly just tasted like the homemade vegetarian Caesar dressing I used. I'd be curious to try some of their other flavors, but I can't imagine just like eating a bite of one without lettuce and dressing and other bits and bobs to help it along.
Quorn I mostly use around the holidays for a turkey replacement. They have "chiqin" and "turkey-style roast" options that can be a bit dry if not cooked right but ultimately work as a protein to go with the mashed potatoes and stuffing and all the stuff I'm REALLY eating the meal for. It's one of those meat-replacements that isn't going to fool anyone, you definitely know you're not eating meat when you eat it, but it gets the job done.
I discovered Upton’s Naturals seitan via Hello Fresh and even though it's been a while since I had it, I remember it being really good. I had used it for some chili for a while, and I think the recipe Hello Fresh used was a taco recipe. And once I even used them to make "sloppy janes" which is apparently what they call the vegan version of a sloppy joe. I won't lie, I forgot this brand existed until I was looking up brands to help me make this list, so I think I'll look into getting some of this again if it's available near me.
I think lunch is the meal I have the hardest time with, choosing-wise. I feel like you can eat anything for dinner, but lunch I want something kind of light and easy to both make and eat. I often default to soup or salad, and I found myself missing turkey and cheese sandwiches. Thus, I discovered Lightlife. Now, this is another type of food that is very hard to dupe. No one is going to be fooled by these too-round slices of "turkey" that are even faker looking than Lunchables "meat." But, I've found the regular turkey slices do the trick as far as making a sandwich with cheese and pickles and salt and vinegar chips on it. I've also tried the pepper turkey, which I was not a fan of, and the bologna, which I also didn't like but for a different reason: it tasted exactly like what I remember bologna tasting like, and I suddenly remembered I never really cared for bologna.
Field Roast is probably the classiest-branded plant-based food I've had so far. I always have to read the package twice to be sure, but sure enough, this high-end shit is vegan. I've had their pepperoni slices (which I love as a snack with some cheddar cheese and crackers and have even put on leftover cheese pizza before re-heading; I didn't think I liked pepperoni pizza as a child, but I love fake pepperoni as an adult!) I've tried their corn dogs, which is another food I don't remember ever having as a kid so I can't talk to whether or not they were accurate but they were definitely interesting. And then my favorite Field Roast product is their sausages. I think I've only had two of their flavors - smoked apple sage and Italian garlic and fennel - and both are phenomenal. I love to cook them up and toss them in alfredo pasta for some extra flavor (and protein.) I've even thrown them into Kraft mac and cheese when I wanted to feel a little more like an adult than making the box alone makes me feel.
Gardein might be the most pervasive plant-based brand out there. They have so many different options in so many different stores. And I've enjoyed almost all of them. (Heavy on the almost.) So I'll do these ones in order from least to best, just for funsies.
Be'f Tips: These are...foul. I think this probably also goes back to me having no idea what to do with beef but I thought they were like seasoned bits of meat so I cooked them up according to the instructions and had them with a side of corn and mashed potatoes...and they were practically inedible. They were flavorless lumps of beef-textured nonsense. I had to drown them in the mashed potatoes to get them down. I still have some left and I have been avoiding them. I need to look up stir fry recipes or something to see if this was user error or if this product is a rare Gardein fail.
Meat Crumbles: I don't like these either, but not for the reasons I didn't like the Beyond beef. These are weird, hard crumbles and I am not a fan of the texture. I also don't know that many recipes that would call for this, and I think I'd prefer the seitan for the ones that did.
Italian Wedding Soup: You know what, I'm staring to think that it's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me. Maybe missing out on cow products for twenty years did a number of my ability to enjoy beefy recipes. I was excited to try Italian wedding soup for the first time (this was not something that pre-12 me was ever intrigued by) and I was a little disappointed. Thrilled for the chance to try it, but I'll be passing it up next time.
F’sh Filets: I don't even remember if I liked fish sticks as a kid, but I do know I liked fish & chips as an adult, and these fall somewhere smack in the middle. I enjoy them a surprising amount. I make my own janky version of tartar sauce (it's just mayo and some spices, most importantly a LOT of dill weed) and have a lovely time of it.
Meatless Meatballs: Okay redemption for the beef-adjacent products! I do like these! Which is good because once my parents accidentally bought me like five bags of them. I may never run out. But these are also great to add to pasta dishes for a little extra oomf.
Chik'n Noodle Soup: I only recently discovered Gardein also made soups and I was thrilled. I love a vegetable soup, but there's something about a chik'n noodle. I really enjoyed this one and I am excited to have it as a comfort option next time I'm under the weather.
Crispy Tenders: These are really good, but they're not very chicken-y. Like no one would be fooled by this, especially in look, but also in taste in texture. That said, I do enjoy them and love to dip them in a little honey mustard, or pop them in a tortilla with some cheese and ranch dressing for a fun chick'n wrap.
Ultimate Chick'n Tenders: Gardein has this "elevated" (read: more expensive) sub-brand called Ultimate and those products are more mimic-y than the regular stuff. So these tenders look, feel, and taste more like real chicken. I especially love the breading on these. But they're more expensive and not as widely available, so I do usually go classic Gardein crispy tenders on this front.
Mandarin Orange Crispy Chik'n: This is one of my favorite fake meals I've ever had! Crispy, sticky, gooey chik'n with a sweet mandarin orange sauce over a bed of buttery white rice?? Let's GOOOO.
I'm sure there are more brands and foods I've tried over the years, but those are the ones that were most top-of-mind (and top-of-Google) so those are my thoughts and feelings on them. Please let me know if YOU have any favorites that I haven't listed here, because I'm always down to try new vegetarian things! Now, time for dinner. See you next time!