April Showers Bring May Allergies

help i'm dying

This week, spring officially sprung in my neck of the woods*. After a few weeks of near-constant rain and cold here in the great state of New York, the weather got warmer, the wind got drier, and Allergies Attacked. (Cue old-timey wobbly sci-fi noises.)

*notably not woods, this will be relevant later

I have been miserable since Saturday. I even took two Covid tests just in case (both negative), but I've been sick enough in my lifetime to feel pretty sure this is not even a cold, just allergies so aggressive they have permeated my strongest line of defense: fexofenadine. Fexofenadine, which is what allows me to be in a house full of cats for hours without issue. Fexofenadine, which ensures I can give pups as many scritches as I so desire. I believe this allergy theory to be true because the closest I come to relief are between the hours of 3pm and 9pm, which is approximately the peak of my 24-hour pill.

I could sense these horrors coming on Friday. I walked to my friend's apartment for D&D and meandered down a tree-lined street where pink petals fell like snow. To most, a lovely sight I'm sure. To me, an ominous sign of things to come. (Think Teen Natalie from Yellowjackets seeing snow. IYKYK.)

I, of course, blame the pain I'm in on men. I live in the place often called the Concrete Jungle. I should not be suffering from allergies here! I'm a city mouse for a REASON! But I once read that the reason urban areas are subject to an abundance of pollen is because of botanical sexism. (I know I'm not alone in this, even Hannah Einbinder makes jokes about it in her stand-up.)

You see, "female" trees are always dropping pods and seeds and such, and some MAN many decades ago decided he didn't like that so he declared that only "male" trees should be planted in cities so they didn't have to spend as much money cleaning up after them. And also to keep up appearances, of course. For a while, these were elms, but then Dutch elm disease killed a bunch of them. So in the 80s, the elms - which were "insect-pollinating," meaning their pollen was gently relocated by beautiful butterflies - were replaced by "wind-pollinating" male trees, which means EVERY SINGLE TREE is spewing out its danger dust ALL OVER THE PLACE, causing an "EPIDEMIC" of allergies and asthma. Which is why I am in agony here today.

What I don't need in this city are 97 cops standing idly inside every subway station playing on their phones while waiting to harass someone for trying to jump the turnstile, instead, turn at least 50% of those trees into lady trees so I have half a chance of sleeping through the night without feeling so itchy I want to rip my insides out to scratch them!

Now, of course, I have no idea if this is still true of NYC, or of the neighborhood I live in. I'm not a botanist, and I don't even know the difference between types of trees, let alone their sex assigned at sprouting. All I know is I have been absolutely miserable the past few days, rubbing my eyes, sneezing like a banshee, and doing that horrible throat-scratchy noise, and blaming it on men gives me an ounce of relief, so I'm choosing to take it.

Misandry 5eva!